MY REC/NIT DAYS

Hi!

25 December, 2007
Tuesday

Today we washed a lot many clothes that were lying in the bags and had lunch very late. Went to the market to courioer some documents to Anshu. I met a boy from our college who asked me, "Ma'am, would you be teaching us this semester or are you leaving?" I was so horified to listen to this question. How could this boy ask m, his teacher, such a question. I don't know what kind of rumours are being spread about me.

All the good time that I had had at Delhi evaporated and once again I was sad--very sad at being back to a place tht used to be liek heaven to me!

22 October, 2007
Monday

I called up KS early in the morning to wish him a very Happy B'day. Every pore of my vry being prayed for a happy time ahead for the man who stands behind me like a solid rock. I don't know how would I be able to pay for all that he has done and still is doing for me. i wanted to be with him on this day but because of the compulsions of job and the other things happening in my job arena, I could not be with him. But is it more important to be with the person physically or be with him all the time mentally. I am with you dear and am so very grateful to you for evrything. May you live a very long and happy life with me around you. Amen!

30 September, 2007

My moth-in-law is not keeping good health these days. She needs our attentiion and help but the kind of mind frome I am in makes it difficult for me to look after her. She is staying with my sister-in-law these days. We fulfill our share of duties by paying a customary visit to her with some medicines and fruits. What a nice way to perform duties towards our elders. But can Ireally help it? I am going through so much of pain and trauma these days that bringing the poor old lady to say with me would be a torture to her. I know that I would not be able to lok after her and keep her in good spirits which she neds above any other thing at this age. She is about eighty years old.

when she asked me "Hope everyhting is fine at your job." I was literally crying as I never knew her to be so understanding. I hugged her close and said, "I want to take you with me." "No" with a steel resolution in her voice she said,"You devote your time to whatever problem you are facing'" and "don't worry about me." She wanted me to pay attentiion to my job instead of her ehalth. I cursed all those who had been responsible for bringing me to this state. I was getting weak. "If you think you are right, face them." Her wrinkled eyes seemed to say to me. I felt that she hugged me litttle closer than usual.

While coming back from my sister-in-law's home I was thinking hard about women in jobs. Are they really justifying all the role-plays that come to them? And do they play them in right way? Perrrhaps not. If I opt to serve my old mother-in-law and leave the fight midway, I would be failing myself as a professional but on the other hand leaving my old mother-in-law in this state made me feel like failing in my duties as a daughter-in-law. Juggling between two choices I was the one who had to suffer. I decided that once I was over with replying to the show cause notices I would bring her to Hamirpur and would make up for all these lapses. But would I have enlough time for all that?

Would God not send me show cause notice for dereliction of duties as a daughter-in-law and would label me as unbecoming of a daughter-in-law?

And worse still my role as a wife and as a mother, too, were under question on the same parameters and I found that I was in a situation to be labelled as unbecoming as a daughter-in-law, a wife and as a mother.

Does my role as a public servant was anything above and more than any of these roles? No. It was not but I had to play the role. It was my choice and I had to play it to the end.

I never had thought that I would become so superstitious. But perhaps when the person is under depression he resorts to all means of finding recourse to his problems. Today the Sun would be shadowed by an eclipse and the news channels are busy with their commentary on the influence of this eclipse on persons. Call it selective listening or whatever but when the commentator mentioned that the solar eclipse would herald a bad period for the people in power, I got such a cold relief. As I was just a commoner and had been under stress because of the lunar eclipse and now the God has shown his wrath for the privileged ones as well.